My children’s mother and I have a co-parenting arrangement called ‘birdnesting’ or ‘nesting.’ Nesting involves our kids staying in the same house at all times, while their mother and I take turns living in the house with our kids. We have been using this co-parenting arrangement since re-locating to Thailand. Currently, we are on a two-week schedule during which I live with the kids for two weeks, and then switch with their mother for two weeks, etc. This post outlines what I see, given almost two years of this co-parenting schedule, as the pros and cons of nesting.
PRO #1: Provides stability for children
Moving to a new country half way around the world has been a challenging adjustment for our kids. It is the first time for them to live in another country besides the U.S. Not only did they have to adjust to a new country with different language and customs, but they had to adapt to a new school and make new friends – already on top of going to a new grade level and learning new subjects. While our kids are not new to relocation (they moved across state lines once, and moved homes three times in the past five years prior to Thailand), their mother and I wanted to minimize as much disruption as possible for them. Shuffling them back-and-forth from one ‘new’ house to another one was preventable – so we took the opportunity to try out nesting. I do believe that nesting does provide more stability than the traditional co-parenting model. The kids find comfort in sleeping in the same bed in the same room in the same house every night. They have more confidence inviting friends over (helps that we live walking distance from their school). And they call our house ‘home’, which may be difficult if we shuffled them across two ‘homes.’
PRO #2: Gives the parents more freedom
One key reason why we took some time off from work: their mother and I wanted to travel more. Nesting gives each parent more freedom during their ‘off’ week(s). I decided not to have my own place (where I would stay on my two weeks to myself) – and instead travel during those two weeks. I simply book a flight somewhere I want to go and treat it like a solo vacation every two weeks. It’s a big reason why I have been able to travel to 13 different countries since mini-retirement. And I also have the freedom to stay in Chiang Mai on the weeks where I don’t feel like being on the road or if I want to attend an event for the kids (e.g., birthdays, school). I can simply book hotels or an AirBnB in town.
PRO #3: Less duplication and documentation
Their mother and I tried the traditional co-parenting model back in the U.S. This meant me signing an apartment lease, buying duplicate furniture (for myself and for the kids), getting my own vehicle, etc. A nesting arrangement in Thailand avoids this duplication. Their mother and I share the same ‘primary residence’ where we have a (shared) bed, our clothes and belonging packed in our individual closets, etc. We share the same car – the same one we use to pick up our kids and drop them off at school. No duplication means less costs. And it also means less headaches having to get official documentation from the Thai government, e.g., residence certificates. I can say it’s a lot simpler for their mother and I to jointly manage one household (than one for her and one for me).
CON #1: More challenging for parents to ‘move on’
The biggest question I get from my friends when I describe to them the nesting arrangement is: ‘isn’t it weird to see all of your ex’s stuff in the house?’ My initial reaction is ‘no, it’s not weird at all.’ But I think there is something – a clearer psychological break – from having your own place, with your own bed, with your own stuff, without any signs or remnants from a prior relationship. I have taken small steps to have a clearer psychological break for myself during my weeks with the kids in the shared house. For example, I put away my bed pillows when I leave the house – and put away her pillows if they are not already stowed away. I swap my toothbrush and bathroom amenities with mine whenever I come back to our master bath. I make sure I stow all my clothes in my closet when I leave the house. These little things do matter.
CON #2: Takes more coordination and communication among the parents
In our more traditional co-parenting arrangement, their mother and I only needed to coordinate picking up and dropping off the kids – and communicate about how the kids are doing, e.g., grades, afterschool activities. Nesting increases the level of coordination and communication, because we share the same primary residence and the same car. We have, for example, the same chat group with our landlord or our housekeeper so that both of us are informed about issues with the house. We take turns paying for monthly utilities. We document and split shared expenses like car maintenance. More coordination and communication require more respect and maturity from both parents, which I am grateful I have with their mother.
CON #3: Nesting may cost more
Sure, for now, it helps my wallet to share the same house and the same car and not have duplicate furniture and miscellaneous stuff for my own place. But what I save in no duplication I spend more on travel and lodging. Rather than get the cost savings of a long-term lease, I choose to spend more on nightly or weekly rates for lodging in a different city, and then the additional costs of airfare getting there. Thankfully, the costs of living in Thailand (and Asia in general) are a lot less than those in the U.S.; but I can imagine that nesting would be cost-prohibitive in the U.S. It would be a lot more costly to maintain the travel schedule I’m currently on with U.S. rates; and if I choose to ever get my own place, then paying U.S. rental rates on top of splitting a mortgage for the primary house for the kids would be exorbitantly high.
Summary
Nesting works for my kids, for their mom, and for me – because the pros outweigh the cons for us. Nesting gives our kids stability during an otherwise very disruptive life event for them. Nesting affords me the freedom to travel and explore Asia without the burden of my own lease, my own car, etc. And sharing the house, the car, the same furniture, etc. with my children’s mom gives a flexibility that matches our mini-retirement timeline – making it a lot easier (and more cost effective) if we choose to return to the U.S. in the near future.
I hope this post gives you a fresh perspective if you are co-parenting children while living abroad. Or if you were exploring what nesting may look like, I hope this post gives you some clarity or validation that while nesting may not be perfect, it may be right for you. I can say that it is 100% right for us as a family living abroad in Thailand.
~Lester T