Self Discovery

“F*CKKKKKKK!!!!!”

I screamed out loud in my car, parked outside the Department of Transportation here in Chiang Mai.  Thankfully, no one was in the car or walking near the car; else they would be scared, running away from the psycho inside.

My forehead and palms were sweaty.  My cheeks ruddy.  My eyes dilated.  I was angry.  On a scale of 1-10, an 8.

Why?  I received a phone call earlier that morning from Hyundai telling me that I needed to visit the DOT to process paperwork and obtain my license plate.  This was after weeks of hearing nothing, and the service rep said it had to happen today because the residence certificate I provided would expire tomorrow.  So I rushed to the DOT.  I waited over an hour in the Thai heat – only for the official to tell me I need to get another residence certificate; she could not accept one that would expire tomorrow.  Why not?  This would mean waiting in another line, paying another 500 baht, and repeating another bureaucratic process.

Why the overwhelming anger?  Why would a delay in the process elicit the “Hulk” inside me to emerge, making him scream and bang the steering wheel?

I was triggered.  Hearing the official tell me I would need to repeat the process reminded me of something in my past – some unresolved issue from long ago.  

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It’s been almost three years since I initially took the 100 Things Challenge.  I believe it’s one of the pillars of being minimalist – and maintaining my personal items at or under 100 things keeps me honest about what I truly need to be happy.  Since 2021, I moved abroad to Thailand, forcing me to really consider what to keep versus give away or sell.  The move experience also taught me to be more choosy about what to buy over here in Thailand, avoiding the painful experience of giving away things at far less than what I paid for them.  

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Bigger is better, right?  And what better example of the American appetite for bigger things than the home we have.  Since graduating from my MBA back in 2008, I have purchased three homes.  The first was a modest 1,100 square feet two-bedroom condo.  The second was a noticeable upgrade: 3,700 square feet four-bedroom single family house.  The last is the record-breaker: 4,105 square feet five-bedroom single family house.  And what do you do with more space in a house?  You fill it with stuff!  We had big stuff: mattresses, bed frames, sofas, TVs, desks, chairs.  We amassed a ton of small stuff too: flatware, electronics, linens, even a box full of ‘complimentary’ hotel liquid soap and shampoo bottles.  I saw the sign posts: the larger U-Hauls I would rent when we moved residences; how many Amazon Prime cardboard boxes I had to cut the tape off and collapse to recycle; and how little we used certain things like the waffle maker (used not even once!) and tennis rackets for the kids (used once – and kids didn’t want to play again).

After two decades of accumulation, I was not any happier.  My Canali suits and Zegna ties didn’t make me happier.  Holding onto my collection of outdated iPhones and coveted CDs purchased from Blockbuster music in the 90s (e.g., Live Throwing Copper, Backstreet Boys Millennium) didn’t make me happier.  And the waffle maker certainly didn’t!  So why did I own so much stuff?  Why was I holding onto these things?  These questions dovetailed with the other existential questions I was grappling with as I turned 40.  

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I have been an omnivore for the first four decades of my life.  My immigrant parents raised my siblings and me to view meat as a luxury item, especially steak.  I recall how once a week, my mom would grill two slabs of 12oz ribeye steak to feed the five of us.  My dad would encourage us to eat the marbled pieces of fat (“it’s the best part!”) and would often highlight the fact that we were so lucky to enjoy something that he could rarely eat back in Vietnam.  As a child, I formed this belief that eating meat meant being wealthy.  Wealthy people eat meat, because they can afford it.

Fast forward a few decades, and now I am in my 40s, wealthier than I have ever been, living in a country where I can live a life of luxury.  So why did I decide to, among all things, become a vegetarian?  Why give up meat?

This post lays out the beliefs that I now have around my vegetarian diet.  I did not write this to encourage others to become plant-based too, but rather to affirm for myself why I choose this diet and why it works for me.

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I remember taking my first Meyers Briggs (MBTI) personality type assessment in high school for a Gifted and Talented class I took as a senior. I was fascinated by what the resulting report said about me. INTJ – what does that mean? I avidly read the report as well as books on the topic. Fast forward, over two decades later, I am still learning about my MBTI type. It’s true – my type has remained pretty much the same year after year. Learning how I can be the best INTJ version of myself has helped me be a better professional, a better leader, even a better romantic partner – sharing with others how I like to consume information or how I need time alone to recharge – that it’s not anything personal to them, but just how I am built.

But how do I be the best INTJ version of myself in mini-retirement? Without the corporate environment, without the back-to-back schedule, without the structure I was used to, how do I adjust my behaviors to bring out the best of me? This post discusses some things I have learned about myself while in mini-retirement and outlines a couple of things I’m working on.

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Disclaimer: I am a work-in-progress.  This post is a work-in-progress.  Coping with loneliness is difficult; I do not claim to have the silver bullet, but I can say that I’m getting better at it.  This is a post about what I have found to be helpful – and not helpful – in facing those times when I’m alone.

I’m going to start off with what has not worked – has not served me – since I believe it’s really good context for the few things I have found to work for me:

What Does Not Work

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This post discusses why I believe therapy was critical for me during the past five years – and how my therapists have guided me in making the right life decisions.  I have broken up this post into three parts – one for each therapist and the decision s/he helped me through.

Note: To protect the confidentiality of my therapists, I’m going to use pseudonyms.    

Part 1: Shawn – “Why am I stuck?”
Cognitive behavioral therapy.  Dallas, Texas.  $150 per session (60 min).    

In 2020 – prior to the pandemic – I was feeling stuck in my life.  I felt this lack of meaning in what I did, lack of connection with who I was with, and this sense that I wasn’t on the right path.  I didn’t know what the root cause for my ‘stuckness’ was – my wife?  my job?  myself?  I was contemplating big decisions – separate/divorce my wife, resign from my job, etc. – and I knew that I needed to vet these decisions with a professional before pulling any trigger.  I interviewed several therapists to see if they could help – in search of men, older than me, with a track record of helping other men navigate their mid-life crises.

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My definition of happiness has changed over the years.  In my 20s, I thought it was “heart beats” – the number of moments I felt alive and present.  In my 30s, I felt it was work success, as well as warmth and security for my family.  Now in my 40s, I agree with what Arthur Brooks talks about in Strength to Strength – that: 

Happiness = Have / Want   

The more I have, the happier I would be.  But the more I want, the less happy I would be.  What I have and what I want go well beyond material possessions.  I measure what I have as:

Have = f (Connections, Purpose, Freedom, Self Love)current

Want = f (Connections, Purpose, Freedom, Self Love)potential

Connections are the depth, not breadth, of my relationships.  Do I have meaningful connections with others grounded in love, truth, and compassion?  Purpose is the fulfillment of how I spend my time.  Do I spend my time that has a positive impact on others and on myself?  Freedom is the ability to control my destiny – doing what I want when I want how I want with whom I want.  Do I have the choice and resources to shape my own future?  And Self Love is how well I take care of myself: physically, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually.  Do I fully accept and love myself, cultivating the best version of myself?

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