My definition of happiness has changed over the years. In my 20s, I thought it was “heart beats” – the number of moments I felt alive and present. In my 30s, I felt it was work success, as well as warmth and security for my family. Now in my 40s, I agree with what Arthur Brooks talks about in Strength to Strength – that:
Happiness = Have / Want
The more I have, the happier I would be. But the more I want, the less happy I would be. What I have and what I want go well beyond material possessions. I measure what I have as:
Have = f (Connections, Purpose, Freedom, Self Love)current
Want = f (Connections, Purpose, Freedom, Self Love)potential
Connections are the depth, not breadth, of my relationships. Do I have meaningful connections with others grounded in love, truth, and compassion? Purpose is the fulfillment of how I spend my time. Do I spend my time that has a positive impact on others and on myself? Freedom is the ability to control my destiny – doing what I want when I want how I want with whom I want. Do I have the choice and resources to shape my own future? And Self Love is how well I take care of myself: physically, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually. Do I fully accept and love myself, cultivating the best version of myself?
Based on this definition, my happiness prior to retiring was very low. I was deep in multiple relationship problems with my spouse; my relationship with my children was distant and shallow; and most of my friendships (save about five of them) were superficial and typically revolved around work and office politics. While I believed I was talented and skillful in my job, and was able to help my company make money and employ people (good people), I didn’t feel like I was having a very positive impact on the world – in the same way that I felt when I was volunteer teaching English in my 20s. I felt imprisoned by the expectations of my family, the demands of my corporate job, and holding together this picture-perfect image of the red-bricked, suburban house of warmth and love. And as for myself, I was not taking care of myself – far from loving myself. I wasn’t becoming the person I wanted to be; I didn’t feel great looking at myself in the mirror. I was addicted to work, drank too much, constantly seeking relief from the stress of my life. On the surface, I came across as confident, composed, successful, but in private, I was an emotional train wreck, caught in this seemingly unbreakable cycle of wanting to be alone to recharge but then lonely and depressed when I spent more than an hour by myself.
The hedonic treadmill was at full speed, too. I didn’t feel like I had enough. I couldn’t see what I had – so focused on what I wanted. I wanted to be a better husband, father, friend – but didn’t see how I could. I wanted to be CEO and be this super-respected pinnacle of the corporate world. I wanted to have so much money that I could have a bigger house, take first class everywhere, go on vacations at the Four Seasons, and show off this life of luxury on Instagram. I wanted to be this handsome, strong, emotionally secure, brilliant, grounded man that I envisioned as a child – but never seemed to get close to. My desires were many – but always out of reach.
Fast forward several years – and I can say with absolute confidence I am happier. I have family and friends who know me, inside out, warts and all, and love me nonetheless. I have this fulfilling purpose to write and share my journey with others – helping pull someone out of loneliness and emptiness to a brighter, richer life for themselves. I have unparalleled freedom – the stuff of dreams – able to wake up when I want, hang out with wonderful people, spend time however I desire. And I have this powerful love and acceptance of myself that grows every day; more relaxed, more at ease, more comfortable in my own skin, because I take care of myself – affirming myself as my own best friend.
Meanwhile, I have really minimized my desires. I focus on cultivating my connection with a few really good friends. I got rid of a lot of my material possessions – and live minimally using an ongoing 100-thing challenge. I work, write, network – for the joy and love of the process versus any attachment to specific results. My travel destinations list has significantly reduced to just a few ‘dream spots’ year (such as hiking the Great Wall of China with my kids in 2024). If I get to travel more, great; but I am 100% happy to just embrace the few opportunities I have planned to see more of the world. While I am very grateful to have delivered an 18% return last year with my portfolio; I am still happy with 4% – and maintaining my financial independence. And with myself, sure – I can be bigger at 175 lbs, get down to 10% body fat, have Olympic-level athletic performance, be as emotionally tranquil as a monk, be well-read and have a PhD and a professorship at a prestigious university, and all the while, be super connected with God. But you know what? I love myself for who I am now. I am by no means perfect. And I have scars and pain like anyone else. But I would not choose to live any other life by my own. I love this life that I have. And I love this journey that I am on.
I love the man I am becoming.
I’ll close this entry with a few things I have learned about happiness over four decades of lots of living, lots of mistakes, and lots of picking myself back up:
- Happiness is a repeated choice, a habit – like any other muscle, happiness strengthens the more I practice it and atrophies when I don’t. I put in the time at the ‘happiness gym.’ I meditate and calm my mind, observing what thoughts arise that have the power to bring me or take away my happiness. And I practice letting them go. I journal about these thoughts at the end of the day, and then study them at the end of the month – making small adjustments to my life to cultivate more happiness. I practice awareness in the moment – for example, noticing when I feel shy and keep to myself in a group of people – and then making a conscious effort to smile and introduce myself to someone and ask them about their day. I’m still working on singing like no one is listening or dancing like no one is watching; stay tuned for some embarrassing karaoke and dance floor clips of me!
- See a World in a Grain of Sand – during the vipassana retreat I attended, there were long stretches of time when I didn’t have my device(s), couldn’t read or write, couldn’t speak to others, and couldn’t eat or exercise. I was forced to be with my own self, and the stillness of the world around me. And what came up for me is this very powerful message in a peaceful voice: life is beautiful. The sunshine. The air. The trees. The birds. Even the critters – ants, bugs, cockroaches – I would stare at during hours of silence in nature. And I see now that this was a practice of gratefulness. There’s this Blake poem I love: “To see a World in a Grain of Sand. And a Heaven in a Wild Flower. Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand. And Eternity in an hour.” Wow, how beautiful the world is through the wise lens of eyes that can see this beauty!
- Your desires are your bedfellows; be choosy – I enjoy sleeping by myself. I like snuggling with my pillow, in infant position, warm underneath a plush comforter. But I’m rarely alone. If I’m not thinking of the future – of unrealized desires – they pop up in my dreams. And these are very alluring, very seductive bedfellows we invite into our bed. “Oh, how wonderful to learn how to surf in Sri Lanka’ or ‘I would love to ride camelback to Petra” – the joy to ruminate over these are temporary and fleeting. It’s true. Gambler’s dopamine levels are greatest when they are tapping the table for another card, not when they actually win. It’s the anticipation of happiness that actually robs us of the gift of the present. I’m human. I have desires like anyone else. But I’m gonna be very choosy about who I invite into my mind and into my heart. My dreams are sacred. And I protect these few to allow myself to be fully present in my waking hours.
Two years ago, I made the decision to be happier. I had the courage to make these changes: to quit my job, to move my family half-way around the world, and to shed what was safe/comfortable for something unknown, exciting, but scary. I had faith that everything would be ok.
I’m very proud to say: that decision changed my life for the better. I am happy.
I wish you the clarity to see what decisions you may need to make to bring you more happiness. I wish you the courage to make these decisions. And I wish you the faith to take the step into the unknown – for that is where your happiness awaits.
~Lester T