This post discusses why I believe therapy was critical for me during the past five years – and how my therapists have guided me in making the right life decisions. I have broken up this post into three parts – one for each therapist and the decision s/he helped me through.
Note: To protect the confidentiality of my therapists, I’m going to use pseudonyms.
Part 1: Shawn – “Why am I stuck?”
Cognitive behavioral therapy. Dallas, Texas. $150 per session (60 min).
In 2020 – prior to the pandemic – I was feeling stuck in my life. I felt this lack of meaning in what I did, lack of connection with who I was with, and this sense that I wasn’t on the right path. I didn’t know what the root cause for my ‘stuckness’ was – my wife? my job? myself? I was contemplating big decisions – separate/divorce my wife, resign from my job, etc. – and I knew that I needed to vet these decisions with a professional before pulling any trigger. I interviewed several therapists to see if they could help – in search of men, older than me, with a track record of helping other men navigate their mid-life crises.
Shawn struck me as a very centered, grounded man. He had been a therapist for several decades – fulfilling what he thought was his life purpose – to help other men be better versions of themselves. He was confident but listened attentively; he was practical but not pushy; he was curious but not interrogative. We got along very well and I felt I could open up with him and trust him.
Shawn helped me realize that the root cause of my ‘stuckness’ was me. Shawn helped me raise a mirror to my gaze – and see that I was reacting / coping with life stressors in unhealthy ways. He helped me see that I could not find happiness if my addictions get in the way – if I unhealthily coped with stress through alcohol or reaching out to ex-girlfriends for comfort. He helped me by pointing me to support groups and workshops – complementing our sessions together. He was my accountability partner – asking me what changes I could make – however small – and then following up with me to see if I fulfilled my promise.
Shawn took a traditional approach of talk therapy, grounded in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I learned that my unhealthy behaviors are a function of negative feelings, and that these feelings stemmed from faulty thoughts or beliefs. For example, Shawn helped me uncover that my work addiction (e.g., answering emails constantly, being ‘on’ during weeknights and weekends) were motivated by feelings of fear and pain. And that these negative emotions came from underlying beliefs that I was always one step from failure, that I was “never good enough”. It was powerful to hear Shawn reassure me that my emotions were valid – and that instead of repressing them, that I could allow myself to feel these emotions fully. Shawn also challenged my underlying beliefs – asking me where these beliefs came from and begin to shift this faulty thinking to more empowering thoughts.
CBT Diagram from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Los Angeles
My sessions with Shawn ultimately led me to separate from my wife, to resign from my job, and to decide to mini-retire. He helped me understand the why behind these life-changing decisions – that I had the power to make these decisions for the right reasons.
Part 2: Mia – “Why does guilt hold me back?”
Hypnotherapy. Chiang Mai, Thailand. $133 per session (90 min).
After getting settled in Chiang Mai, I wanted to partner with another therapist to continue on the path that Shawn set me on. Chiang Mai, admittedly, and especially during COVID recovery of 2022, has a paucity of therapists. I asked around and was referred to Mia. Her background is primarily in child abuse – helping clients explore the impact of childhood trauma on their adult lives and choices. Her approach of using hypnotherapy made me pause; would she literally put me in hypnosis? Would I still be in control?
Mia would later joke with me that I would stop seeing her because every session involved me crying. And it’s true. The hypnotherapy sessions were intense – often exploring childhood trauma I experienced in my early years. A lot of feelings came up: pain from being abused; fear of my parents; guilt from not ever being good enough; sadness for the loneliness I felt. Mia helped me see that as an adult, I was caught in seemingly unending patterns of self-destructive behaviors that were triggered by conflict – often by my relationship with others. And that I could not stop these patterns unless I did the work – the hard work – of uncovering the painful memories that generated these patterns in the first place.
Hypnotherapy allowed me to safely excavate these painful memories with Mia. It granted me the opportunity to have a conversation with my 5-year old self – with Mia guiding me on how I would protect this child and give him safe space to be. It gave me a cathartic release – of all the guilt/shame I carried all of these decades; of the trauma I experienced as a fragile, innocent child; of the wrong that was done to me. It explained the anger I felt, that below my calm and collected adult self there lay a voice that was screaming to be heard. And Mia’s approach gave a microphone to this voice – so that I can hear what he had to say.
There is a tale of a baby elephant tied to a tree with a small rope; later becoming an adult, this elephant now could easily break free but chooses to remain tied up. Mia showed me that I suffered from this same defeat – this guilt that was placed on me as a child, even after over three decades, still held me back. And working with Mia, I was able to begin releasing this guilt, break free from this rope, and chart a new course of healing.
Part 3: Jack – How can I healthily cope with loneliness?
Love addiction recovery. Remote Zoom calls. $159 per session (60 min).
Not surprisingly, I often felt lonely in Thailand. I separated from my wife; I quit my job (and the social networks associated); and I moved to a country where I didn’t know anyone. And with this loneliness seeped in temptation to reach out to someone – often an attractive woman – to comfort myself. To keep this love addiction at bay, I sought the help of Jack, who, in addition to being an experienced coach and author of love addiction, has recovered from the addiction himself.
Jack helped me build on the work I already did with Shawn and Mia – incorporating new and practical tools – to help me cope healthily with loneliness. I learned how to have ongoing conversations with my guilt and shame – finding that hearing them out would help me process these feelings rather than find distractions elsewhere. Shawn gave me plenty of homework – to understand the roots of my loneliness – and through our talks about my responses, we came up with tools I could use when I felt lonely: I meditate; I read affirmations outloud; I listen to pre-recorded affirmations that highlight what I love about myself; I label my feelings using a helpful table; and I reach out to close friends to talk through what is coming up.
There’s no silver bullet when it comes to coping with loneliness. It’s challenging to sit with my emotions, rather than numb them out. It’s difficult not to reach for my phone and do something I would later regret. But like most things, finding a healthy response takes trying out different things to see what sticks – to see what works for me. And I thank Jack for guiding me in this experimentation – to do what serves me, and I discard what doesn’t.
Summary
This was a tough post to write. A lot of emotions came up as memories flood back. But getting through it – and coming out the other side – I am reminded that I have come a long way. My path of self-discovery involved difficult conversations with my therapists and even more difficult conversations with myself – or rather, with parts of myself that have silenced for way too long.
But that’s the light at the end of the metaphorical therapy tunnel – isn’t it? To hear what these parts have to say – what they have been trying to tell me amidst all the distractions I used to drown them out. The work is: to listen to myself. To show compassion for myself. And ultimately, to develop a better relationship with myself. To love myself.
Whether you are contemplating getting therapy – or whether you have been doing this work for decades – I wish you the ongoing strength to endure this work. I wish you the compassion to empathize with yourself – because you have been through a lot. And I wish you the courage to keep loving yourself, warts and all, and be your own best friend. It sure as hell isn’t easy – but it sure is worth it. You’re worth it.
You’re worth it.
~Lester T