“That’s crazy – you moved to Thailand without knowing anyone?!”
I guess it does sound a little crazy, if not irresponsible, to move half way around the world to a country where I didn’t know anyone. It’s been over two decades since I lived in Thailand – and suffice it to say, I lost touch with my friends here. I have met a few people – in my MBA, in my career – who lived in Thailand, but no one who is still living here, let alone in Chiang Mai.
This post is about how an introvert like me has made a conscious effort – and several mistakes along the way – in making friends here. I’ll organize this post based on the sources (where) I was able to make friends – giving a rating (1 being difficulty for me to find friends; 4 being easy) – and highlighting some advice along the way:
Professional networks (alumni, LinkedIn)
Rating: 1/4
I started making connections before I got to Thailand. I reached out to alumni from my college as well as my MBA program. I was able to get some advice from a few alumni but (unfortunately) not a single person who was able to meet up – in Chiang Mai or in Bangkok – to let me buy them a cup of coffee or take them out from lunch. I think in my 20s-early 30s, the power of these networks was strong; but I suppose life (especially watching my friends have kids) takes over and people are busy. I also attempted to connect with LinkedIn contacts – “2nd” connections – but there were one or two I could find and they too were busy with life or with work.
International School (parents of my children’s’ classmates)
Rating: 2/4
One of the first things I did after enrolling my kids into the international school here was to join the Parent-Teacher Association/Group. It was, I thought, a good way to connect with others, especially expats who can perhaps show me around Chiang Mai. There were Americans I befriended, as well as an Australian, Chinese, and Thai. I was able to make one good friend – a Korean Dad – from the PTA; both of us share golf and travel as hobbies, so played couple of rounds together. I’m not entirely sure why I haven’t gotten too friendly with the other parents; perhaps everyone is busy with work and parenting. I think a big reason why I’m such good friends with the Korean Dad is that we both are early retired and share some hobbies.
Thai Language School / Language Exchanges
Rating: 3/4
Another thing I did early upon moving to Thailand was to sign up for Thai language classes. I didn’t need an ED visa to stay in Thailand; I enrolled in classes for the sake of just learning the local language – strongly believing that if I invited to live in this country on a long-term visa, the least I can do is to respect the country’s people and culture by learning its language. And the unintended benefit of taking a Thai language class is making friends with other expats. You’re not going to meet nomads or tourists, because neither group plan to stay in Thailand for too long; so classes are almost an automatic filter for other expats who intend to stay in Thailand for the long-term. And chances are – you’re going to meet other open-minded travelers because you all would share at least one hobby – learning! I also want to quickly add that there are language exchanges available too – in Chiang Mai and in Bangkok – that offer a relaxed way (outside of the classroom) to practice your Thai and also help local Thais (and foreigners) practice their English. I made a good friend from Bangkok from one of these language exchanges.
Facebook Groups / Meetup.com
Rating: 3/4
Speaking of hobbies, another great way to make friends is to join the array of Facebook groups (in Chiang Mai) and Meetup groups (in Bangkok). I have joined a writing group, an art/sketching group, and a board game group in Chiang Mai – but my favorite one is the hiking group. It was through this group I made a really good English friend (and his Chinese wife), as well as a number of other expats and travelers – who have invited me to other events. Unfortunately, Meetup is not at critical mass in Chiang Mai – but it definitely is a reliable source to make friends in Bangkok. My favorite among Bangkok Meetups is the Boring Club – which does a great job hosting a diverse set of events such as board game night, pickleball, badminton, music bingo, and even tarot card readings. I made some good friends through these activities, thanks to Meetup.
Digital Nomad Meetups
Rating: 4/4
Perhaps it’s my youthful looks or my penchant for travel and ‘working’ online, but I get along very well with digital nomads. In my experience, while they may be traveling frequently and their length of stay in Thailand is usually uncertain, they are one of the most open-minded, accepting, welcoming, and worldly human beings I have met. There is a weekly digital nomad meetup in Chiang Mai, where I met one of my best friends. And Bangkok has a number of Meetup.com events offered throughout the week – where I have met several other friends from all around the world. Another source my friend showed me is Nomadlist, which posts events being held in Bangkok, among a host of other information for nomads.
Men’s Circle / Group
Rating: 4/4
To my therapist Shawn’s suggestion, I started going to Men’s circles several years ago. It’s amazing to be with in a safe environment with other men who are able to share what’s going on with their lives and be open to advice and feedback. Chiang Mai has a well-organized men’s circle of which I have joined over two twenty meetings now. We have discussed a host of topics from career and purpose to trust and loneliness. And the amazing thing – I met many of my friends in this circle, including my best friend – by connecting after the meeting over a coffee or a bite to eat. It’s true: none of us like to be vulnerable, but vulnerability is one of the traits we are attracted to – and the imperfections, the honesty and the courage that come along with that vulnerability.
Tours / GetYourGuide
Rating: 3/4
I technically didn’t use tours or GetYourGuide in Chiang Mai or in Bangkok, but if it’s like any of the tours that I have joined across Bali, Vietnam, the Philippines, Taiwan, etc – then you’re bound to make friends on these adventures and day trips. I have made friends from solo travelers, couples, and families alike on these tours. Yes, it takes a bit of initiative – as I have found that introducing yourself to the person seated next to you is more the exception these days – but after the initial anxiety doing so, you may find yourself a fellow friend. That’s what happened with me on a trip from Danang to Hue – meeting another solo traveler who we later spent the evening together on return to Danang and plan on making future travel plans together.
Other Options
I can’t personally attest to these but my friends can: Co-working spaces especially those that hold networking and mixer events. Taking Muay Thai classes (if you’re up for the physical challenge) is another great way to find a like-minded community of foreigners – and among them, you’re bound to make some great friends. The Cross-Fit community is another tight-knit group in Chiang Mai, where my best friend has made many of his mates. And there is also the “BFF” option on Bumble, which I have heard from others is quite effective in making friends in Bangkok, especially.
Key Lessons Learned
There’s a few important things I learned about making friends in Thailand that I want to share to wrap up this post:
- No wants to be the first to wave, but everyone waves back: Have you ever been to a theme park like Disney or Universal and seen crowds of people on rides wave at you from above? And what do most people do in response? Yep, they wave back! How cool is that? This is, to me, a very good example of making friends. We don’t need to be in a theme park to want to wave at people – and be the first to initiate a friendship. It just takes a simple gesture like waving, or smiling, or just saying ‘Hi’ – and in my experience, people reciprocate – every time. At the least, you’ll learn someone’s name as an expat. But who knows? It’s exactly how I met one of my best friends in Thailand – at a nomad event – where she sat down and smiled, and I introduced myself – and we hit it off. Be assured that if you wave, s/he will wave back.
- The antidote to loneliness is effort: It was scary to be traveling across Thailand and not know anyone in Bangkok, or in Phuket, or in Krabi, or in Koh Samui. The easiest thing to do is to drown out this loneliness with my device(s): surf social media; message people on my apps; binge Netflix on my iPad. But I can tell you – these distractions didn’t cure my loneliness. The antidote to loneliness cannot be found on your phone; it takes effort. It takes effort to go to Facebook or Meetup and look up what’s happening. And then a little more effort to show up at the event. And sure enough, a little more effort to (if you’re like an introvert like me), when faced in an awkward ‘cocktail party’ scenario where everyone seems to be talking to everyone else, muster some courage and ask ‘is anyone sitting here?’ or ‘Hi, is this the Meetup event? But you know what? It’s totally worth it. You plant the seeds from which the best friendships grow. So roll up your sleeves – get off the bed or sofa in your apartment or hotel room – and put in a little effort.
- Love of what we share is the gateway to compassion of what makes us special: How are friends usually made? Over shared interests – over what you have in common. This may be that the two of you are expats or travelers. This may be that the two of you are foodies or enjoy hiking. And this is the key to opening the door to friendships. But to cultivate friends for life – I think a different type of trait is needed. It’s in recognizing what actually makes us different and unique from each other. One of my best friends is from Germany. The other is from Ecuador. One of them is really into CrossFit and Keto diets. The other is into ukulele and pottery classes. But it’s in getting to recognize these differences that they have from me – and showing interest, curiosity, acceptance, and compassion – that I see an opportunity for intimacy and connection. It’s in embracing that, ‘wow, I would like to learn more’ or ‘yeah, I would love to try that’ – and that stuff – that gateway leads to the stuff of best friendships.
I hope this post gives you a couple of ideas – and tips – to go out there and make some friends. I wish you the same sense of fun, joy and abundance that I have experienced making friends here in Thailand.
~Lester T