Disclaimer: I am a work-in-progress. This post is a work-in-progress. Coping with loneliness is difficult; I do not claim to have the silver bullet, but I can say that I’m getting better at it. This is a post about what I have found to be helpful – and not helpful – in facing those times when I’m alone.
I’m going to start off with what has not worked – has not served me – since I believe it’s really good context for the few things I have found to work for me:
What Does Not Work
- Drinking alcohol – I spent the better part of two decades traveling for work, on the road, to various hotels. It was a familiar routine I found myself caught in. I would put in the daily grind, then go to dinner – often with co-workers – drink a glass of wine or whiskey (or two) – and then either call it an early night, or worse, suggest we get a ‘night cap’ and go to a bar to converse further. It could be 9pm by the time I get back to the hotel. Or midnight. But the feeling is the same: I’m tipsy and I’m alone. Not a good combination for me. Why? Because thoughts – often negative beliefs – would come up. Many say that alcohol reduces one’s inhibitions, typically referring to what we say to others or do in a public setting; but I have found that alcohol also reduces one’s inhibitions with oneself (acting in versus out). And there were not nice things I would say to myself – with my guard lowered: “I’m tired, so tired…”, “I’m lonely and not connected to anyone…”, “Why am I here – all by myself???” I would reason that alcohol helps me sleep – but that was a lie I told myself. I would have difficulty shutting off my thoughts, still alert despite the lights being off or my eyes closed. I would toss and turn through out the night. And in the morning, tired, groggy and slightly hungover – I would dismiss my emotions, suck it up, go to work, and repeat the same process. This happened for years and years. I was becoming someone I didn’t like. No wonder I couldn’t stand myself when I was alone!
- Call an ex – In addition to alcohol, I would also turn to “love” for comfort. I didn’t feel safe talking with my spouse during all those years, especially late at night. She would feel triggered, I would feel defensive, and it would lead to unnecessary arguments. Who else knows me well – accepts the demons I had inside and would still listen and empathize? My exes. “You free to talk?” would be a familiar text I would send at 9pm. And if she were, then our conversations could go for an hour, two, some times well past midnight. At first, it was just usual small talk: ‘How are you?’, ‘How’s your family?’, ‘How’s work?’; but these conversations would eventually go deeper: ‘Are you happy?’, ‘Tell me something that made you smile today’, ‘Remember that time when we…’. I know now – what I did was wrong. I sought emotional intimacy outside my marriage. I cheated on my wife. And I didn’t know it then – but it created a fissure – a gap that widened and widened with every call with exes – until I became emotionally distant or unavailable to the one person who I vowed to protect. Suffice it to say – it was not a healthy way to cope with loneliness. It was, quite frankly, a cowardly way to behave as a man, a husband, a human being. I understood now why I did this at the time – and I have learned that despite the pleasure (of a ‘love’ connection) in the moment, seeking these connections does not help cope with loneliness afterwards.
- Streaming – I rarely turned on the TV in the hotel rooms I frequented. Why would I when there’s shows or movies I can easily stream? Netflix. Amazon. Hulu. HBO. Disney. And then there was my growing collection of shows or films I collected on Apple. 9pm could easily turn to 11pm with one of my favorite movies on. Need a good laugh? Watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Need a good cry? Watch Closer. Need action? Watch Avengers. The time invested definitely upped when I was streaming series. I recall one night – fully knowing that I had a busy work day that started at 7am – I still decided to binge not one, not two, but three episodes of Game of Thrones. I traded three hours of sleep for feeling like crap in the morning. Sure, on one level, that’s the trade off one makes streaming late at night. But there’s a deeper trade off. What I was doing was trading processing my own emotions to feel (artificially) someone else’s emotions. I might be sad. I would watch Peter’s character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, see him turn that sadness to positivity and happiness, and feel better about myself — all without processing what was making me sad to begin with! It’s a seductive way to soothe my loneliness: get emotional catharsis without feeling my own emotions. And like alcohol or ‘love’, I got easily addicted to this type of emotional disassociation.
What Works
- Processing emotions – To feel is an action. It’s a decision. It takes conscious effort to do so. It’s also a skill – something I didn’t learn or practice as a child. I didn’t even know the names of the emotions I was feeling. Anger? Passion? Guilt? Joy? I definitely felt them as a child, but I don’t recall ever once writing or proclaiming outloud, “I am angry” or “I feel guilty.” The absence of awareness or acceptance is a form of denial. So yes, without exercising this skill of processing my emotions as a child, I spent decades throughout adulthood in denial of my own emotions. And yet, I felt so much. It’s like seeing my cheap rice cooker (I bought from Lotus) five minutes after I flip the cook switch – it’s brimming, piping hot, causing the lid to rattle. And every time that I spent time alone, without processing my emotions, it’s like keeping that lid on longer and longer. The rattling ensues. For the past few years, I have made conscious effort to actually process my emotions. How? I use a three step process that I picked up in therapy and in workshops:
- Being vulnerable with a real friend – with the allure of my ex(es), I didn’t really develop close friendships with other men. There’s a lot of literature written about the “Male Loneliness Epidemic” saying that one root cause is how men have a difficult time sharing feelings with other men. Much easier to ‘grab a bite to eat’ or ‘watch the big game’ – but talking about how we feel? No, that’s what girls do! What a lie. Just because I am a man doesn’t mean I cannot share my feelings with another guy – a brother – who I trust. And I have put in a lot of effort to make friends, putting myself out there, and developing trust and closeness with another man. I feel blessed that I can text one of my brothers at 9pm and ask if he can help me talk through something. And it helps. Every time. I share how I feel. I share the thoughts that are generating these feelings. And rather than judge, criticize, or dish out a bunch of advice (he wouldn’t be a brother if he did these things), my friend would listen, empathize and reassure. Without an agenda, without anything to gain, my friend hears me out and is there for me. And that ‘real friend’ is worth a thousand ‘deal friends’.
- Listen to affirmations – some times I can’t connect with a friend. He might be busy. He might be asleep. Or I just don’t feel like talking to anyone. So what then? Luckily, I have pre-recorded some affirmations for myself. This was me – for those evenings of feeling lonely – writing out my affirmations and then using the native app on my iPhone Voice Memos to record my own voice saying these outloud. There are three that I have. I’ll give you an excerpt from each of the recordings to give you a sense of what I’m listening to:
- Affirmation of my life vision:“Picture waking up to a serene sunrise beside your soulmate, surrounded by vibrant colors and the calming sounds of nature. Your purpose is clear; you’re a respected community leader, successful in your businesses, and dedicated to charitable endeavors. Your evenings are spent in relaxation and connection with loved ones. You are at peace.”
- Affirmation of myself and my path: “My table is set, and I have everything I need for self-love. I experience fulfillment and satisfaction across all facets of my life. I am surrounded by prosperity, abundance, wealth, and success. My goals have been attained, and the difficult road is behind me. I am on a positive trajectory of self-acceptance and love.“
- Affirmation of myself as said by others: “You are special, true to your core values. You are unique and that uniqueness is allowed to take space for itself. You are allowed to put the world on hold, and dedicate your gift to others now to yourself. You deserve the same love to yourself that you give others. You deserve purpose and fulfillment.”
I put on my AirPods and close my eyes as I listen to these. And it soothes me, reassures me, picks me up when I’m down. It’s a way that I remind myself of what is true – not give into temporary fleeting emotions but listen to what endures, what lasts – the truth about myself.
Summary
As I disclaimed at the beginning of this post, all of this is a work-in-progress. I’m still experimenting with new strategies and tools to use when I’m alone, when I’m feeling down, when I feel disconnected with others. And by seeing what sticks, I grow and learn. And I take one step closer to being a better version of myself.
When faced with loneliness, I wish you positivity in coping with it. And I wish you more steps to being a better version of yourself.
~Lester T